Knowing the Difference Between Addiction and the Lord
My Attitude Towards Addictions
I wrote this post right after an experience I had. I’m publishing it today because it’s come true. To explain it, I have to explain my attitude towards gambling, and addictions in general.
I’ve struggled with a number of addictions in my life, and to overcome them, I’ve had to say “no” to any impulse to give in to them. Sometimes I feel so drawn to give in to an addiction, that I honestly think my desires are the voice of the Lord. I feel like Barbra Mandell, singing, “How can it be so wrong when it feels so right?”
So for me, addictions fall into a special category of voices in my head: no matter how attractive the behaviour seems at the time, if it’s related to an addiction I’ve struggled with, I have to say no to it.
Despite this categorical rule, I’ve always felt there must be some difference between addition and the Holy Spirit, but I’ve never been able to define it. Until today’s experience.
God often speaks in a still, small, voice. She (the Holy Spirit) can be quite exciting, even intense. I’ve noticed though, that the voice of addiction has a silver lining of desperation. Indeed, if I dwell on an addictive thought , often a scrabbling sense begins to creep in.
While I’ve never been a gambler, I notice that I have this same desperate feeling when I engage in a vendor’s promotional lotteries. In the past, when I’ve seen I a vendor’s “sweepstakes,” I think about how God could solve so many of my financial problems if won big-time. I look under the rim, scratch, or open up the card, to reveal if I’m blessed in this way or not. As I do, a feeling of surely the Lord must want this surges within me.
But I find out I’m wrong. I usually don’t win.
Like everyone else.
I’ve come to believe that God doesn’t want to solve my financial problems using a quick-fix, lotteries-style method. After all, I think He probably hates gambling.
So, because I want to remove all addiction from my life, I don’t even look. I throw out the attractive-looking cup or card or ticket I receive from the vendor.
The Problem of Friends Who Don’t Get It
This changed this year because I’ve been doing coffee with a friend who excitedly looks up every rim, as he talks about how he’s going to win. I don’t want to be a stick-in-the-mud, I want him to win too, so for his sake, so I’ve been checking my rims for his sake.
But that’s how addictions get in. I’ve started to roll up the rim even when he’s not there. And I’ve noticed that the desperate, clawing feeling has come back.
So, I started to throw out the cups again. The purging has felt safe, like returning to a good pattern.
Why Today Was Different
I was looking at a cup and I realized I had a soft assurance I would win. Not only that, but I felt that when I won, it was going to be God’s way of confirming that would be accepted into the competitive master’s program I have applied for.
Rather than feeling desperate to roll up the rim, I felt slightly obligated.
I rolled up the rim.
I saw the rim you see in the picture, and smiled. Not the jeep. But for the first time, I had heard the voice of God in the midst of a sweepstakes.
I originally wrote this down on March 16. Three weeks later, I received my acceptance email.
What I Learned
As I engage in the exercises, I get a better of sense of what God feels like. The Holy Spirit’s voice came like she sometimes does during my exercises:
- Quietly
- With no trace of desperation
- With a mild sense of obligation
- With a meaning beyond the immediate
That’s a useful set of things to look for. Not just when drinking coffee or going to the grocery store, but in meetings, at home, and in church.